Dolls for Downs and Send a Doll Friend

I feel like the proud aunt to a beautiful young girl that I've known since she was about 4 years old. When she was younger, we used to recount the first interaction of how I confused her and her older brother by two and a half years for twins. Bad idea :).

Now as she is nearing her Bat Mitzvah and I know I most likely won't be able to fly to my home away from home to celebrate with her, I am immensely touched by the project she has taken on to help fundraise for Dolls for Downs.

It's even more exciting to know that this project was started in my new hometown. Something I overlooked when I first posted the article on Facebook via Yahoo.

I was very emotional reading the story of how Hannah a little girl with Downs Syndrome was looking through a catalogue and was dismayed to not be able to find a single doll that looked like her. Her mother then took it upon herself to find a way to make a doll that looked like her daughter. You can read more about the story on their website. http://www.dollsfordowns.org/

(Okay it brought me back to looking down isles of stores and not being able to find or afford to buy a doll that I felt looked most like me...except for one little porcelain doll that I spent an entire year of doing extra chores and cleaning to be able to buy.)

A few weeks later, my amazing adopt-a-niece, the daughter of one of my closest friends started her facebook page, Send a Doll Friend, to help raise money and awareness for the Dolls for Downs Project! I couldn't have gotten more inspired to do my part, which is why I'm posting it here, to help make the project successful.

You can donate via: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1001789457/dolls-for-downs

They have already reached their stretch goal, but why should we stop there?? This project gives children with the Downs the chance to have a doll that not only resembles them, but comes with clothing and accessories that help them with dexterity and fine motor skills.

I cannot say how proud I am of said girl in the midwest who has taken it upon herself to help fundraise for Dolls for Downs! I hope everyone else is inspired and as touched as I am by this project!

Why Chabad

Why Chabad?

When it comes to birthdays, after you convert, the more important one according to the Lubavitcher Rebbe, is the one when your neshama was born. This means the day you convert is to be held more dear than the day you were physically born. This year, because of the close proximity of my 2 year old’s birthday to my own, I forgot to write. I feel as though on this blog I have recounted the story many times, but what I always leave out, was why did in the long run, did I choose to be Chabad over any other sect of Judaism? As my birth, birthday is coming soon, this is my chance to make up for what I forgot, which is likely to repeat next year when God willing I’ll be planning an upshere, and the last thing in my mind will be to remember my birthday.

Trust me, that I am asked this question often, mostly in disdain or shock, and mostly from non-Lubavitchers. The plus side of not being born Jewish, is you aren’t raised one way or another, you have the chance to choose your own path of Judaism that resonates the deepest with you.

I was twenty years old, and the summer was dragging on. I was involved in a Traditional Orthodox Synagogue, in Dallas, Texas. I had already been going there for a year and had devoured every book that I was instructed to read. But at this point, the feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness started to infect my soul again. I couldn’t pinpoint it. But I knew some of it revolved around going to a synagogue of over 400 families, and only 8 of them kept kosher, and shomer shabbos. Another large part was the excuses I heard for even though, it’s written in Jewish Law, to do these things, and written in the Torah, why the families didn’t.

I went one day to speak to Rabbi Cohen about it, who since then has opened another shul. Where I thought he would feed me an excuse about why I felt the way I had, like I had experienced in Christianity, he told me simply, “you are right…you don’t belong here!”

I remember sitting shocked, and wondering if the next sentence was going to be giving me the boot out of the shul and never being invited to return.

            Instead he told me, “you know where you belong? You belong with Chabad, with Rabbi Dubrawsky. I’ve known since I first met you, that you had a spark of the Baal Shemtov in you, and that is where you need to go.”

            By this time, Rabbi Cohen had already done so much to help heal my aching life, that I knew to listen to him. The next Shabbos, I went to Chabad. Or within a few shabbosim. At  this point, my mother and I had a running argument over whether “we” should be going to the Litvisher shul or to Chabad. My part of the argument was that I was twenty and there was no, “we”, this was my journey, and just because we lived in the same house didn’t mean that I was obligated to follow her lead with religion anymore. But we did only have one car, and lived five miles or more from the Chabad house, and considering we weren’t Jewish, at the time I had no problem using the car as my one aveirah on shabbos. I’m just thinking how hypocritical that thought was, considering I was so turned off by the families at the other shul that were not shomer shabbos.

            I don’t remember my first shul experience. But what I do remember was that it was on Selichot. And after shul, as we waited for it to be late enough to start the traditional prayer, there was a farbrengen. I had no idea what that word meant, but I wanted to experience it.

            One of the younger Rabbis played the flute. People sang, they told stories about this Baal Shemtov person that Rabbi Cohen had told me about and in an instant I felt like I was home. I found new books to read, and as I learned more about “Chassidim”, I felt that deep connection with a Rabbi who would go out into nature and pray, and take small children with him.

            I have to thank a woman in our community for helping me to remember the little girl that used to escape into the fields behind our apartments, and sit down for hours next to a horse ranch and simply just pray that life would be different, and that overwhelming feeling of trust in God was born there. A little like the Baal Shemtov?

            When I finally left Texas and moved to Colorado, I continued going to Chabad and borrowed many more books and it was then that I started learning more about the Lubavitcher Rebbe and the Rebbes that preceded him. I learned about their untangible love for their fellow Jew, and the miracles they did. I tried learning Chassidus but it never seemed to make any sense to me. Until I completed my Geirus.

            Now thank God, by reading Zalman Jaffe’s memoirs, I understand even more, what it was about Chabad, that felt so at home for me. I had been searching for a connection to God that was not stagnant. That was constantly flowing and growing. Where you were never discouraged from learning more, wanting to be more and do more, and that is what I found with Chabad. The Rebbe had unfathomable love for every Jew and with that love came the desire that each would grow in their connection with Hashem, and in the Mitzvahs that they kept, and what they exposed themselves too and chose not to.

            I will forever be grateful to Rabbi Cohen, for sending me to Chabad, because selflessly he sent me to my one true home. The place my neshama was born.  

The Plus Side of Being Raised by a Single Mother

A few hours before the glass disaster, I noticed that our floor just wasn’t getting that clean. My husband and I have been discussing for a while the need to get a heavy duty vacuum cleaner, not just average one from Target and Walmart, but one that would be very good at cleaning, and perhaps not get as many clogs as the one we have now. But since we financially that is just not in the picture, I was sitting on the floor with my curious two year old watching and freaking out, because I was dismantling the one we had in search of a clog.

All it took was looking in the canister to see that it was empty, to tell that somewhere, something was blocking the vacuum from doing it’s job. I had seen my husband empty it and use the vacuum several times over the last few weeks, and decided it was now my job to locate and unclog the culprit.

How do I know how to dismantle vacuum cleaners? My husband and I suffer role reversal in our family. When we first married, I was the one showing him how to put together desks and bookshelves. I was the one that showed him the magic of baking soda and vinegar down clogged drains with a unbent wire coat hanger. When he asked how I knew how to do all of this I told him simply, “when you are raised by a single mother, who can’t afford to rent a nice place, you learn to fix things on your own.”

When I was young, we always rented the cheapest apartments we could find. Cheapest also meant being responsible for our own repairs, not because the owners weren’t obligated, but many times they fixed the problems poorly, and we had to come up with solutions ourselves. Thank God as I grew up, I learned a thing or two I most likely would not have learned, had I been raised by a middle income, or even low income two parent household.

As I got older, the vacuum became my new interest. I loved taking them apart, examining the belts, the brushes, the hoses, finding clogs and helping my mother see that it wasn’t a new vacuum we needed, just a new hose, or a belt, or something else. I ventured over the whole vacuum, minus the engine, and learned to tell if their was a clog by the pitch of the whistle it made while it was on.

My life as a child of a single mother, was not all roses and daises, but I realize there is certain kind of curiosity that I have about how things work. To this day, when workmen come to fix something, I watch them wondering if I could duplicate it and save myself the phone call next time.

One of my favorite memories from my childhood, was when I was four. Firstly, I was in general a very sick child. I didn’t have one malady that made me sick, I just got sick a lot as result of being in daycares and preschool, and whenever I was, my mother who was in College at the time would take me to school with her. She would bring treats, and crayons for me to draw pictures and a quiet toy or two. What I remember, besides falling asleep by mother’s legs in the classroom, was that her classes, were way more exciting than mine. She was learning French, writing, and I wanted to learn all of these things too. So I started faking sick, just to go to class with my mother and avoid having to color butterflies and daisies again. Those were my happiest moments, and the moments I hope in some way to replicate with my own children, so that God willing they too, will be curious about the world and how things work and how things work, and feel free to ask why? 

The Bright Side X2

I'm having one of those life moments, where in the last 3 months I feel like everything has spun out of control. By out of control, I mean out of MY control. I feel like I'm riding one of those carousel rides that spins so fast, you are pushed against the wall, and having nothing else to do, but to pray to God you don't lose control as you wait for the spinning to slow down and Please God stop, so I can regain my footing.

It all started with my house falling apart and then being put up for sale. We knew when we moved in that there were a few problems, but none of them have effected the functionality of our house. We might have loose floor boards in the bedroom and in the hallway, but it doesn't mean we can't sleep soundly at night.

Our toilet has clogged twice, the bathroom and kitchen sinks, the ceiling above the dropped ceiling is starting to break, I've had some medical issues to work out, thank God nothing serious, and 20 minutes before this last shabbos, I can't tell you how grateful I was that I was in the midst of investigating a wet spot on the couch, curiously close to my son, when I heard a huge crash in the kitchen.

One of our cupboard shelves broke, dropping glass dishes on the next shelf, and onto the counter top, breaking everything into thousands of tiny peices, flying into the kitchen, bouncing off my heals, thank God not cutting them, shooting into our shabbos food, and when it was all over, my husband who was in the kitchen, that was now covered in a sea of glass, from counters to floor, to livingroom floor and couch, thank God only had a small cut on his leg. Suffice to say, my poor 2 year old proceeded to wet himself again, and my husband had to wait for me to attempt to make it across the living room to get his shoes and my own, and my son's.

I kept thinking, wow, thank God, because I had just cleaned out a huge clog in our vaccum cleaner and we were able to get the floor clean before shabbos.

Accepting the fact that our shabbos was food, was no longer edible and by no stretch of the imagination would we have time to cook more we frantically started calling friends and neighbors, and were sent over fresh Shabbos food, five minutes before candle lighting. It was a pretty intense time. I forgot to feed my son earlier and was making him soup, which was ruined. He was exhausted, finally even though it meant leaving my husband with the bulk of the work, I carried him upstairs with a tub full of yogurt and we talked about what happened.

I realised that my son's normal place to stand is in front of the gate that blocks the kitchen, and because he had wet himself on the couch, I shielded him unknowingly when the glass started breaking.  It was like Hashem thought of the most merciful act to make sure he wouldn't be harmed. Even the second accident kept him from venturing off the couch barefooted before I could clean the living room floor.

There must have been a malach (angel) standing in front of my husband, because how in the world, when the rest of the kitchen got blasted with shards of glass he only received a small cut on his leg is beyond me.

Finally there is me, my back may have been turned but I did feel the glass shards hitting my feet and falling to the floor.

The whole night, although we were admittantly overwhelmed and upset, we decided for the sake of our son not being stressed going into shabbos, and avoiding making an already stressful situation worse, to speak as softly as possible, to maintain an air of peace in the house and make sure our son new how special Shabbos was, how lucky we were no one was hurt, and that it wasn't anyone's fault and it was okay he made accidents.

It was like living in a dream, because the constant reassurance to our son poured over to us too. Instead of wondering what was wrong with us, and why is all this crazy stuff happening, we simply just hung onto, it's okay, Hashem took care of us, He will continue to take care of us, and to be honest most of this stuff is superficial. What is important, and the bright side is, we are a family, we are together, no one was hurt, and thank God we live in a community where five minutes before shabbos piping hot food was sent over and saved our Friday night meal!

Not only that one of our lovely neighbors invited us over as well. Everyone was ready to pitch in and help and that is what was important. Not the broken glass, the clogged toilet, the clogged sinks, the broken ceiling, or things not going the way we wanted and hoped. It's all about Hashem and what His plan is. That's the bright side of Jewish life, Hashem has a plan and all we have to do is sit back and let Him be in charge.

The Sane Mommy’s (Couples) Pesach (Planning) Guide

I should have written this straight away after Purim. My husband told me how people keep saying that Pesach is so early this year, and I keep thinking it’s right on time. Purim happens and a month later you have Pesach, this whole Pesach falls in April or March thing doesn’t phase me, because my brain is simply attuned to know, Purim comes and it’s time to start planning for Pesach.

I realize this is like a month late, but the tenants can be used for any situation, or event that normally causes an undue amount of stress and strain on oneself and family.

Like I said, we start planning early in this house. By Early this means a month ahead of time, or as much ahead of time as humanly possible. When we moved from NJ to our new home, we had roughly two weeks to move, which shortened the preparation time, but already being accustomed to sitting down  and plotting saved a lot of stress.

Start by making lists…tons of lists. Things to buy, where to buy them, for Pesach go through your boxes and see what you need. What you need to get done and by when, cleaning lists, and if you are a family, include your spouse in these so each one is very clear of what their job is.

Women NO NOT DELEGATE JOBS. Ever had to do something you don’t want to? Well, your spouse might be okay doing the things you don’t want to, but know that everyone works better when doing the things they enjoy. My husband and both take time choosing which rooms we want to clean, and for the mutual detested jobs, we distribute them equally, and take each other’s slack without nagging. (Well he doesn’t nag…I am still a work in progress.) This practice also helps, because when you start running behind, you can check the list and everyone can make sure they are on task.

NEVER WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE: This was a commonplace theme in my house growing up. I feel like whenever some huge life event happened, like moving, or huge house cleanings, we all cringed in fear, because my mother would overload herself, and become hysterical because she put too many things on the back burner. For Pesach or any other life event, this doesn’t help. As one friend put it, “It’s a lot more pleasant cleaning for Pesach when you have two to three weeks to do it, than the week before Pesach.”

CHOSE YOUR WEEKLY/DAILY ACTIVITIES CAREFULLY: By this I mean think about what you need to get done to make Pesach peacefully, and what other outside of the house activities or volunteering can sit on the back burner and be missed. Maybe now is not the time to continue taking this class, (if you are in college obviously you have no choice), or maybe this activity should wait to make sure you have enough time to get ready. Maybe this Sunday is a bad day to spend the whole time outside at the park (Not a problem here, Spring seems to have forgotten that it was supposed to have come already), or go out with a friend. Particularly if you have a family, these are all things to take into account into making transitions more peacefully.

NO NAGGING: This is a non-negotiable and something I am horrible at…Thank God I spent more time nagging in my brain this year than verbalizing anything to my husband. We were significantly behind all this year getting our tiny apartment cleaned for Pesach and some arduous tasks took hours, and I mean many hours longer than what we originally thought they would.  But at the end of the week, by the time Pesach started, we started our Chag out happily, instead of with both of us wanting to strangle each other. My lesson learned is that although, not nagging doesn’t get anything done any more efficiently, the saved hurt feelings, and anger make it that much more worth it, even if you run behind. I’m hoping next time we have a huge life event I can remember this, so that we transition easily God willing, without too much strain.

ALWAYS ENCOURAGE AND PRAISE: This one I’m getting better at finally thank God, everyone likes to know that they are doing a good job, and are valued, loved and appreciated. Even your spouse and no, they don’t always know or should know how you feel, you should verbalize it, and make sure they are aware of how much you appreciate their help.

IF YOU HAVE SMALL CHILDREN: I nearly passed out because this actually worked. My son and his friend who I baby sit are literally the same age, off by five days, and could very well pass for twins. Part of me wanted to cancel my babysitting the weeks before Pesach but financially, that was simply not an option. The littlest member of my group did a huge Mitzvah and slept, and the older, (both 2 year olds), were put to work helping me clean. They helped me clean toys, separate the ones that couldn’t be washed, and also using baby wipes helped me wipe down chairs, and tables and lower bookshelves. In reality during naptime, and at night I still had to go over these surfaces with a stronger solvent, but instead of feeling like they were in my hair, they were involved and learning about Pesach and excited to be big enough to help.  Trust me, taking the extra five to ten minutes to give small tasks to small children, will save the screaming and yelling for them to just get out of your way and let you work.

IF YOU ARE FINANCIALLY ABLE: This we cannot do because we can’t afford it. But hire a cleaning lady to help you clean. If you can’t afford a cleaning lady, hire a mother’s helper at a lower rate to entertain your kids while you get some serious work done. If you can’t afford that…find volunteers in the community to help you. I loved when I was single helping friends clean and get ready for Pesach, or move, or just doing whatever I could to spare my married friends some stress and strain.

BTW single people, if you miss your married friends, this is a good way to spend time with them, while alleviating some of their stress and not feeling alienated. Okay, so you have to work, maybe you don’t want to, but you can’t say that it’s not a good idea.

NEVER BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP: For a lot of people, this one is hard. For many reasons it’s hard for me, but at some point you will need help and it’s okay to ask people for help, it’s okay for them to say no, and it’s okay for them to say yes. Only in American culture do we think that we must eternally be independent. One of the most beautiful things I witnessed in Israel, was the kindness bestowed one to another without asking. Whether it was men carrying heavy suitcases for women, carrying strollers up and down stairs, giving money to complete an amount needed for grocery shopping, all without asking or hesitation.

FINALLY, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, AND GO FOR A WALK...PARTICULARLY WHEN YOU REALLY START FEELING STRAINED. This is another reason I love lists, nothing is more comforting than seeing those check marks and knowing you are nearly there. Congratulate yourself for a job well done, indulge in something yummy, or some physical activity that helps you relax, a warm shower, a massage, whatever you need! You did it!!

Pesach (Passover) Update

As I’m writing this, I’m wishing I was able to post (write in the first place) my guide to getting ready for Pesach. It was going to be titled, “The Sane Mommy’s Guide to Pesach”. The problem is, in order for this mommy to be sane while getting ready for Pesach, my blog was the last thing on my mind.

My husband and I have made Pesach at home, every year since we were first married. Much to the shagrin, of Rabbis who are used to seeing young couples go away and go out for the sedarim, my husband and I have no one to “go away” to, and a two year old that will turn into the biggest baby freak out if we keep him up all hours of the night.

This year, I think our lovely Rabbis in our lives, either reconciled themselves to the fact, that no, we are not leaving for Pesach (this being our fourth Pesach together), and no we are not going out for the sedarim, so this year we started with no pressure thank God, to do anything other than what our original plan was. (I should also note, my husband works for a corporation, and as I have told many people, his hours are dictated to him, not the other way around, he only has so many days off, so that as well hinders our ability to even think of travelling anywhere.)

Because my husband learned Megillah so faithfully by Purim, the same Rabbi asked him once again if he would lead the sober Seders at the Aleph Institute. Aleph works within the prison system, delivering Jewish education both to prisoners inside jail and those on parole and others attending AA.

Okay, my reasoning for saying, “Yes husband! Please go and run a sober seder so ours starts hours later,” was completely selfish. We have a family rule that everyone has to nap before the seder, but with a small child it’s not always easy. This way, I was assured a nap, because even if I missed the afternoon nap, I could nap between 630pm-930pm while my husband was away and my son was in bed for the night. It was also because as I thought about it, I’m sure it’s not easy finding people who would be willing to start their sedarim late, much less two nights in a row.

The first night was perfect. My husband wasn’t home that late, he inspired and was inspired, and we had a fun couples seder and still ended around the same time as everyone else. The second night…not so much, our son woke up Tuesday morning with a fever and really runny nose, that by nightfall turned into a pretty scary cough. Thank God we have an inhaler for him as well as a face mask, and although he was in bed at 630pm, he woke up again around 730pm and proceeded to snuggle in my bed with me, and nurse for the next two hours.

After finally getting him in bed, I went downstairs to finish food preparations for our seder and sat down on the couch and waited…and waited…and waited some more…and more…and it started snowing, huge white fluffy pieces of snow, and waited…and started worrying and around 11pm my husband finally came home. No nap for the weary mommy…my son was actually still awake, because he had pooped in his diaper, and our seder started close to midnight.

Okay so we sped read the Haggadah and I went upstairs a full hour before my husband did, and thank God our little alarm clock slept until 1030am!!

But those were my first two days of Pesach…and still no sane mommy’s guide. I’d like to think I’m still sane right now, but sanity is overrated, I think I’ll just enjoy more coffee and put all my energy into what I love doing on Pesach! Cooking!! 

Should Married Couples Make More Time For Singles?

A week or two ago, I had a friend call me several times a day, for a few days in a row. Each time, she didn’t leave a message. My Pesach-madness starts around Purim time and continues until well…Pesach is over. Five weeks or so of cleaning, list making, supply gathering, not to mention I still have children coming every day that I watch and my super active Thank God 2 year old, hasn’t slowed a beat to make my life any easier.

I hoped she would leave message, but after a few days I finally had a moment to sit down and call her back. Her first comment was, “wow, it took you a long time to call me back and you never answer your phone!”

“My response, I’m very busy. I have a lot going on.”

A few days later, a single blogger, wrote a very long and scathing report about how unfair it was that her married friends seemed to forget about her and not have time for her anymore.

There is a large part of me that does want to feel bad, but even as a WAHM (Work At Home Mom), I barely have time for my own family, much less anyone else. My husband is gone from 6am in the morning until 6pm at night. In between the time that he is gone, I have children I watch, sometimes all day, sometimes just for the morning. I have to clean my house, no I don’t have the money for a maid, make lunches, snacks, and make sure dinner is ready by the time my husband comes home. My husband has a chavrusah 4 nights a week and a Tanya class another night.

Suffice to say, I’d love to spend more time calling my single friends, but after our son goes to bed at 7pm or 8pm, we’d rather just spend the time working on our relationship, having a good laugh, or drinking a cup of tea, or washing a mountain of dishes, and folding an avalanche of clothing, you know, life stuff?

So maybe what single people need is to remember that married friends have more responsibility, than they do. Spouses, children, houses, work and learning can take an entire day, with no time left, for the family to have with each other. We don’t mean to insult or abandon our single friends, we’re just hanging on by our nails praying that someone will come and help us get through the day until our kids are grown up, our houses are paid for, and we can retire.

Life starts when a man and woman get married, it starts to get crazy busy. We love when our single friends come and help us clean our houses, and spend time with the kids. Trust me that we can’t manage much more.  We miss our single friends as much as you miss us, but if we ignore our families for our friends, the consequences will be much more disastrous then missing out on time with our friends.